Sane Inside Insanity
by Terenz
Summary: Set after Edward leaves in New Moon. Bella reacts in a very different way, a way that has damaged her life completely. How will Edward take this startling change when he returns home? Rated T for language. Chapter 4 now up!
1. The Harsh Toll of Heartbreak

**Sane Inside Insanity**

Prologue

_My only love, sprung from my only hate!  
Too early seen unknown, and known too late!  
Prodigious birth of love it is to me  
That I must love a loathed enemy._

_-Juliet, Romeo and Juliet_

You know that feeling you get when your heart has been wrenched from your chest? The hollowed-out feeling, as if your body and mind have separated, forming equally powerful, equally hurtful memories hanging forever above. Mocking you. The foreboding rain cloud haloing your meaningless existence. The kind of pain that doesn't go away. Him, the cursed organ beating rythmatically in my body, it was all the same. For he was my heart, my heart was he, both had abandoned me. Left me to wither away like a glass doll in the furthest, dustiest corner of a child's shelf.

It was like head-on collision, I just cant breathe.

My time was up. Death would've been merciful, a choice I have often considered in the furthest, darkest nook at the back of my conscience. Curiosity was my downfall; it lulled my mind into a pondering state, forced me to wonder what it would feel like. What death would feel like. Was I that bent on destruction- no, saving, myself? To look that one last look, to breathe the final breath.. So sweet it seems to me now.

1. The Harsh Toll of Heartbreak

_O serpent heart, hid with a flow'ring face!  
Did ever dragon keep so fair a cave?  
Beautiful tyrant! fiend angelical!  
Dove-feathered raven! wolvish-ravening lamb!  
Despised substance of divinest show!  
Just opposite to what thou justly seem'st-  
A damned saint, an honorable villain!  
O nature, what hadst thou to do in hell  
When thou didst bower the spirit of a fiend  
In mortal paradise of such sweet flesh?  
Was ever book containing such vile matter  
So fairly bound? O, that deceit should dwell  
In such a gorgeous place!_

_-Juliet, Romeo and Juliet_

What to do, what to do? Crimson-coated nails, my nails, drummed against a rather boring textbook titled something so insignificant I hadn't even bothered to learn the name. The book's cover was routinely distressed, evidence at the crime scene where my nails had run rampant. Sharp, weren't they? Every single one of my school reading material had fallen to this level of damage. My life was to shit, might as well screw myself up further. It was a one-way spiral, and honey, all I could go was down.

My gaze met the eyes of a girl, relatively the same height, black hair, brown eyes. Her lips, pressed firmly together in a tight grimace, were painted red as blood. And where to start on her clothes?! A tight black zip-up sweater had ensnared the stormy stripes of her Playgirl top, having met dark jeans at the hip. Talk about a striking contrast between the pale flesh that occupied the shadowy attire!

A sick smile parted my full lips. I was looking at a mirror, staring at the tragedy of a girl that dared to call herself Bella. I was no beauty. He was beauty. And beauty, along with my heart and a few other of my more desirable qualities, had abandoned me.

"Well. Aren't you the prettiest little disaster?" I muttered in shame, growing increasingly angry with the girl glaring back at me.

This wasn't how it was supposed to happen. I shouldn't have ended up this way, but I did. Everything happens for a reason, and consequence is a bitch. Me and Edward had everything going for us, excluding the near encounters with death, and the fact that he refused to change me. Sure, people wanted to kill us. But we were happy. And thats all I really wanted.

Edward had left with the hopes I would be safer in his absence, but he was only the beginning of my problems. First off, there was that little catatonic stage I went through, which had stimulated the night of his departure. His departure was like a hurricane; it doesn't leave you in the best of shape. My mind and my sanity hadn't been spared. I lost everything. _Everything._ I lost my mind, my friends, my temper, my life.. It had sifted like sand through my outstretched fingers, and when you let go of your handful, you'll never get the same pieces back, no matter how hard you try. Only I dont try. I never try. Trying meant pain, and I'm already knee-deep in it.

The girl's eyes flashed, flames of rage boiling deep within each pupil. Her teeth ground together, her knuckles clenched. So this was the reflection of what I had become. My eyes fell to the countertop, the bare marble surface silently poking fun at my torture. I had dropped my books carelessly on the floor. A wave of peace washed over me, pouring water on my flame, reducing it to burning ashes. I couldn't help but wonder if _they _had returned. They, as in the family that had ruined my very existence. Ruined my _life._ My blood boiled; I had a deliciously furious temper bubbling up and he had to go and rain on my parade! But then again, I was nearly always eerily calm, so it might be leftover from this morning, when Lauren tried to trip me and I sucker punched her with a content smile on my face. You know, calm. The usual. Each fist balled up at my side, draining the colour from my fingers and pushing each nail into my skin.

I was tired of looking at me. A fist to my right shot out, pounding the glass bearing my horrid expression, shattering the mirror into a million little pieces. Mimicking the result of the agony inflicted on my heart. I felt nothing. No pain, no remorse or regret at smashing the mirror in the girl's lavatory. Even as I drew my hand up, inspecting the damage: there was blood, and a few chunks of glass imbedded in my skin. I didn't bother to glance around me for witnesses, it didn't matter anyway, everyone expected this from me. There wasn't anyone in the bathroom besides myself, but there would be, so I didn't hesitate as I scooped up my books. Slowly, with grace only a broken teenager could own, I glided from the bathroom, veering to the left and heading straight for my locker. I hadn't bothered to hide my wounded hand, since it wasn't like anyone would look directly at it for any length of time. Everyone but a few had gotten used to the new me, and I wasn't going to cry off my black eyeliner because of it.

"Bella?" A cautious voice had aroused to my left. My black hair concealed a smirk so acidic it might literally burn that frown right off his lips. Amusing, how everyone at this pathetic place within a six-meter radius treaded with caution. They were right to be careful; wouldn't want to make a wrong move while in the danger zone.

"What do you want, Jacob?" An annoyed look tugged the corners of my lips down, the smirk now vanished into oblivion. I slammed the locker door shut, a metallic echo reverberating down the halls, now silent. I swear, you can hear a pin drop when that happens. Go on. Try it.

"Uh. Nevermind." He was afraid of me. I could tell by the way he turned, starting to quietly inch away. As if I'd let him go just yet.

"You've already wasted my time, lets not make the number count larger. What is it?" My reply was sharp, forcing him to halt in his tracks.

"I was just wondering if you wanted to, maybe.. Hang out?" Each word was spoken carefully, as if he had thought through this or practiced it in front of a mirror. Pathetic. Well, I had nothing on my agenda, and he was already my plaything. I could make him do whatever I wanted. Even with his werewolf powers, I was the master and he my slave. Not that I let him know, his confidence might decrease. Wouldn't want my little canine to mope around, now would I?

"Fine." My feet started to walk, and I didn't need to weave around my other classmates; they had parted to let me go.

"You want to hang?" Jacob's voice was incredulous, doubtful, that such a pretty thing like myself wanted to hang out with a rascal like him. Liar he was, treating me as if I was like some godlike creature. As if I were like _him._

"No," His near-smile fell into a disappointed frown at my words. "But I dont have anything else to do." He was already close behind as I pushed open the school's double doors, walking into the embrace of a stormy sky. Another perfect day. It was close to raining, so I'd be sure to stand at the street corner, allowing myself to get drenched. Soaked to the bone, but I would enjoy it. Nothing like the numbing feeling of freezing water, momentarily relieving me of my pain.

"Aren't you going to get your homework?" An arm clasped firmly around my wrist. I ripped myself from Jacob's grasp.

"I don't do homework." A red truck waved to me from his parking spot; my truck, which I proceded to bee-line for. Jake followed close behind, rubbing where my nails had struck skin. Had I done that? Slinging myself into the driver's seat, I beckoned with my eyes to the passenger's side. He really needed to pick up the pace, or else I might just leave him there. Jerking the vehicle in reverse, I backed up, driving out of the parking lot to who knows where. Maybe to the cliffs were the LaPush kids hung out? Jake could tell me where it was, as directions and me weren't very compatible. We were driving in silence, for at least a half an hour or so. Onward bound!

"Bella.. You really need to get over him." Jacob had betrayed my emotions the moment those words left his lips. The truck screamed to a stop.

"What?" My jaw clenched, eyes aflame, tuning the angry shouts from fellow drivers out; they could maneuver around me. Edward was a touchy subject, not many had brought him up. He continued, undeterred, oblivious to the fury in my voice.

"The bloodsucker left you for good. Hes not coming back. Quit screwing yourself up because of what he did. I mean come _on_! Its not like he cares for you as much as I do. I was always there for you. And another thing!" Jacob babbled on with the conversation, but it was I who stopped listening. Even after I said the 'What', I had collapsed into myself. Crawled inside my shell.

"He doesn't deserve you." I couldn't take it anymore. My heartache was painful enough without him doing this. Saying these awful things. Bringing my truck to a stop by the curb, I gave him a pained smile.

"Jake? Could you open the door for me?" He would have to be brain dead to fall for this one.

"An unusual request, but sure." And the moment he had pulled back the handle, and pried the door loose, I snapped.

"You're wrong, Jacob. I don't deserve _him._" In one swift, fluid movement, my hand met his shoulder, shoving him out of the vehicle and onto the pavement. He must've realized by now that he should've kept his mouth shut. And the last thing I saw was his face, regretful as it may be, watching me leave him there.

The trip home was torture. I had nearly broken down behind the wheel, and the little voice inside my head urging me to visit that unforgiving place wasn't helping. I just wish I could shut out all the noises, make the pain go away. No, I take that back. I deserved pain. It was my fault he left, and pain was my redemption. My punishment. And as the car drove on, I reminisced, remembering faintly the time where I was carefree. I was happy, and I was in love. Oh, Edward.. I gripped the steering wheel, digging each nail into the black leather. Oh that deceit should dwell in such a gorgeous place! Romeo was the number one man in my life now, even Charlie had ceased to be important. He blamed himself, mostly Edward, but still, he had nothing to do with it besides annoying the hell out of me. All I wanted was to be alone. To crawl up in a ball somewhere and be left alone.

Time passed. The rain tapped every so gently at my window, with the fingers of a small child. I drove by memory, unaware that some unseen force, perhaps my own, was dragging me back to the past. I was floating, my hands held the wheel, but I couldn't control them. My eyes shot to the passenger side, and a sugar-sweet face smiled his special smile. And in that moment, I lost control. The car screamed across the pavement. I couldn't see anything but Edward, and it sickened me. What the hell was he doing here, smiling like nothing was wrong? He just had to rub it in, how stupid and insignificant I was? But, oh.. Dull lust crackled in my eyes, burned in my gut. To think that I still desired his lips after these long months.. I reached out to touch him, swiping my fingers through thin air and recoiling as my truck careened through the bush. Pain jolted me to reality, my head had slammed against the windshield, however the wound wasn't deep, only little blood trickled down my forehead. I unbuckled my seatbelt. My beloved truck had smashed into a tree, well, hit it is more the right term. Smoke, or perhaps steam, hissed out from underneath the hood. I could live without it. A normal mind might undergo shock, don't you think? Do remember that I've experianced much worse, and my mind isn't normal. I still have the scars on my arm from the incident with Jasper, and whenever I touch them, I can remember the pain I felt that day. What I couldn't get over was my hallucination of Edward, bright as day, sitting next do me. Holding my hand just like when we went to our meadow. I pinched my arm, wincing, glancing around as if expecting someone to leap out at me. A wreck like me didn't deserve to call this brilliant, godlike place mine. I shared nothing with him, I was out of his league. Everyone was out of his league.

My hands fumbled for the door, unlatching it, and I tumbled from the vehicle, slapping my hand to my forehead with the hopes of making the pain go away. Just this once, would I have liked to feel somewhat sane. With great difficulty, I stood, legs wobbly, steadying myself by pushing my hand against the smushed door.

"Where.. Where am I?" I surprised myself by finding voice, softly touching two fingers to my head, and bringing them back to stare stupidly at the blood. Come on feet, move damn it, _move!_ It was like teaching me how to walk again. A hard process I could do without. A moan escaped my lips, as I began my descent towards the ground. Two sturdy arms held me upright.

"Bella.. You really should be more careful. Totalling your truck isn't going to make things better." Came his gently scolding voice, his hands rubbing my back and helping me to my feet. I snarled, shoving myself away from Edward.

"**_This is all your FAULT Edward!_**" I screamed at him, staggering backwards. Another glance about told me all I needed to know; I was shrieking at no one. Edward wasn't here with me, nobody was. It was me all by my lonesome, shouting angrily to myself. This head of mine would be my downfall someday. Collecting myself as much as my conscience would allow, I wrapped my coat securely around myself. The rain came down softly, hesitantly, but it wouldn't be long before a downpour. I had to hurry. There was something I had to do. With my hand still glued to my head, I stumbled along, through the trees and brambles that seemed to claw at me with their twig-like fingernails.

"Please.. Just let me make it there." I sounded exhausted, breaking my steady pace into a run, fast as a human could through the forest. Over fallen logs, around mud puddles, weaving throughout the trees to make it. I was going to make it, I vowed that I would. Time ceased to become an importance, I didn't know how long I was running, nor did I care. I ran until my legs were sore, my hands raw. And finally I broke through the trees, falling over myself into our, his, meadow. It looked just like it always had, yet for some reason more sorrowful than the last time I had visited. The branches were still mighty, the trees still stood tall, the grass still grew green, and the flowers still sparkled prettily with the rain drops.

Edward was there waiting for me, his arms outstretched, beckoning me with soothing reassurings. I longed to be cradled within his embrace, and I greedily reached my fingers out. To touch him. To feel him beside me. Yet again, my fingers met air, and I drew them back with failing security. What was wrong with me was that I was hallucinating, seeing things that weren't really there.. Watching Edward call to me. It was all smoke and mirrors, a mirage, sent to destroy me from the inside out. Why did he still make me feel this way? My head snapped up, glaring hatefully at the sky. I fisted my hands at my sides, and let the rain beat down upon my cold face. The downpour had begun.

"**You said you loved me Edward! You said you'd always be there for me!" **I screamed to the heavens, throwing my fists down and pumping up the volume, scoring three octaves. My legs buckled, and I collapsed, falling on my knees.

"This is all your fault." I shakily spoke under my breath, tears welling up in my eyes. I could no longer feel my body anymore, everything was edging on the blurry side. My hair was soaked, my fingers numb.

"You said you loved me." Was my last, breathy whisper, before everything faded into a great, black oblivion. I had lain out, a troubled expression frozen on my face. The harsh beads of water had faded into gentle drops, caressing hair, washing away the blood. The tears. I was down for the count, and nobody was there to help me up.

A pair of sorrowful golden eyes continued to watch me, unnoticed, from the shadows of the trees.


	2. Author's Note

**Authors Note!**

Ehkay, well, Im Terenz. This is my first fanfiction, but I have written some pieces alone in my room. hehe.

I dont own any characters of Twilight, with all due respects to the author Stephenie Meyer, whom I worship for writing those books. Love New Moon, cant wait for Edward to change Bella. ;D

And a few notes that you should bear in mind.. In the story, whenever Bella refers to_ him_, she means Edward. Refering to him as, well, him, is better than saying his name, which only brings more pain.


	3. What have you done?

**Ch. 2 What have you done?**

"_Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."_

_-Neil Gaiman_

Sunlight streamed through the open window, illuminating the darkness in the madwoman's den and reminding me that still, through my personal troubles and pain, the world was still smiling. I draped my arm over my eyes, shielding them from the harsh light of day. I was never one for smiles. I doubted the poverty-stricken percentage of the world was bouncing around all cheery. Continuing my silent rant, it took me at least a half hour of grumbling and stretching to realize I was in my bed. Snug as a bug, basking in the warmth of the covers, with fresh pyjamas on. And, by the tangy taste in my mouth, force-fed some type of gross medicine. Like Buckleys. It tastes bad, and it works.

I couldn't find my voice. Shouldn't I be in the meadow, most likely soaked to the bone, throwing up because of that head injury? Ooh.. Right. I remember that now. I had hit my head when I ran the truck into a tree, not on purpose, of course. Tentatively, my fingers reached up, dabbing at the left side of my forehead. It was stitched and bandaged; but the question was, who did it? Charle didn't have the medical skills, or the stomach to treat his daughter's flesh wound. I was sure it wasn't _that _serious. And besides, he had no idea where I was, not to mention being on that fishing trip with one of his cop buddies. It definately wasn't Jacob, whom I had ditched somewhere, maybe near the Java Cafe, but I'm not too sure. I was more bent on dumping him the first opportunity I got, and booting it out of there than anything else. What would make him want to help me after doing that, anyways?

Propping myself up on my elbows, I glanced at my hands. They were terribly bruised, but at least someone had washed them. Come to think of it.. Was it just me, or did my hair smell strangely of Herbal Essences shampoo?

"Oh god." My breath caught in my throat. Someone had bathed me. Had they actually seen me naked? How utterly humiliating. Whoever it was, I hoped it wasn't some pervert. And god forbid it be Jacob.

Alright, it was time to get up. My eyes flew to the clock. 11:46. The lunch bell should be ringing about now. That gave me at least forty-five minutes to change, maybe eat, and get the hell out of there. Might as well pop by the school, see if Principal Myers figured out who smashed the mirror. Maybe she fixed it by now, she was that kind of lady. That get-it-done-before-many-people-notice kind of woman. The variety that likes to keep things hush-hush, keep 'em quiet.The prospect of a furious principal, and the look on Myers' face brightened my mood considerably. Shoving up, I stood too quickly, and had to wait for the blood that had rushed to my head to disperse. It seemed to me that I was always steadying myself. As if I needed something else to make me appear weak.

Since I, nix that, somebody, had cleaned me up, there was no need for a shower. Not like I could stand seeing what my fists had done to the wall tiles in there. What a danger zone. I felt mildly regretful, Charlie worked hard, he didn't need any more bills. But like I said, mildly. Dressing was no problem, I nabbed my long-sleeved, tight black sweater, and my skinny jeans, along with poka-dotted flats and a grey tee. I may be an outcast, but at least I could look good. I slid on a black, red-polka-dotted headband on, and took a step back, examining myself in the mirror.

"You look lovely, my dear. But I have to say, I prefer your hair brown." My stomach knotted. There he was, again, pressing his lips into my hair, smiling back at me from within the mirror. I raised the brush over my head instinctively, preparing to throw it at his reflection. Common sense postponed my intentions. If I smashed the mirror, like the one at school, it would only prove that I'm a lunatic. Maybe even a schizophrenic, if you count Edward's hallucinations as a voice. Charlie would also have more to pay for, so that idea was out. I lowered the brush with shaky hands, letting it fall to the countertop with a clattering thump. Enough primping, it was time to go. Ten minutes of walking, and I'd be there.

The wind had picked up, forcing the sun behind thick clouds of gray. It was going to be a sunlight-free day - matching my mood completely, melodramatic. Edging on the sullen side. I'd be quiet today. Forks was in rain-mode now, especially with the fall weather sending summer away. No objections here, I very much preferred autumn. The warm browns, golds, and reds of the leaves appealed to me. And I liked wearing sweaters. My eyes, drawn to the masterpieces of the trees, rose, effortlessly ushering me away from the edge of the sidewalk. I brought my hand up, tucking a stray strand of hair behind my ear before lowering it again. Gusts always mussed up my hair, and a messy 'do isn't high on my favorite list. The colder seasons turned my hair frizzy. I hated friz. The fuzzy, light feeling of it. And how annoying it was when it got in my eyes and obstructed my vision! Somewhere in the middle of my little rant, the campus had come into view, standing tall, flanked by crimson trees. A reassuring sight; I was looking forward to a day of silence. Especially after last night. What had happened with the pajama thing anyways? God, if I started pondering on that I wouldn't be able to concentrate on anything all day. And as much as that thought attracted me, I didn't like thinking things over and still being confused.

My legs ceased movement at the curb of the crosswalk, my eyes gazing out at Forks high. Jessica was gabbing with Angela, Mike hovering nearby. Jacob and his posse had dominated a picnic bench, sitting on or around it engrossed in a heated discussion. Discussing me, perhaps? It was doubtful. Surely they had gotten over the shock of the new me? In truth, there was nothing really different with me besides my appearance, and my head. I was even more insecure and depressed now, and no matter how much I try to refuse the thought, its still there. I couldn't get over him leaving me. A life without love is no life at all. Heck, I was a perfect example. The toes of my keds were over the edge now, fighting to keep balance before stepping off onto the road. I hadn't taken more than two steps before there was a loud bleet, and a rush of air running inches from my face. I leaped back, eyes wide and wild, arms out, fingers stretching out as if to form claws and swipe at the perpetrator.

"It was just a car." I repeated to myself. "It was just a car."

Im scared much too easily; I'll have to work on that. Glaring at the vehicle's tail, my feet once again stepped off of the curb, striding quickly until they reached the safety of the opposite sidewalk. Jacob's gaze broke off from Sam's, fixing me with a mix of sorrow and hurt in his eyes. Why couldn't I just like him, he must think. Walking slowly towards the double doors of the school, I wondered, why couldn't I? The memory of him, the possibility that he might return, undo this damage and love me again was keeping me from pursuing someone else. The fact that he was my soulmate, and that I didn't _want_ to leave him, were major points aswell. I drummed my fingernails habitually against the handles for a moment, shattering my thoughts to push against the door. I wanted in. Now. Had to get away from Jake's eyes burning holes in the back of my head.

I took my natural route throughout the school, veering to the right, then the left, to get to the rows of lockers where mine was located. The bell had rung, students had begun to cluster around their lockers, fishing for their books, trying vainly to force the doors shut. I leaned with my back against the metal door of my locker, crossing my arms over my chest and rubbing my arms. Why had the hallway gone suddenly cold? And it was then that I pushed away, standing in the middle of the groups of people, staring with disbelief at the other end of the hall.

Two painfully perfect eyes widened, staring back at me, in shock. The energy was sucked from the room; the air chilled, time stopped. My face drained of color, and my eyes enlarged- I felt like I might collapse that very moment. Everybody was too busy worrying about what homework they had forgotten to do, or catching up on the latest gossip to notice me and my shaking legs.

Edward's face contorted into shock, sorrow, pain, and love. I couldn't move, my body was frozen in place.

His mouth formed the whisper, "What have you done?"


	4. Do you want him to pay?

**Ch.3 Do you want him to pay?**

_I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken -- and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived.  
_ Margaret Mitchell

Tears blurred my vision before I could slap on a straight face, my emotions had always betrayed me in the end. The clatter and conversation of the hall was now a dull hum, a stew of noise that had been added to one big pot of speech. I couldn't pick out one voice from another. Just a murmur of words, everyone talking at one time. It was deafening. He had begun to weave like a spider throughout the web of people, each step striking another harsh blow against my heart. What was he doing here? What was _he _doing _here?! _Edward's eyes were so wide with shock I imagined them exploding right then and there, trying desperately to keep me in sight while bringing himself closer. _Closer.._ I knew he couldn't dash over, he'd bowl over the crowd of students in the process. And just to get to me. It was shameful. Edward shouldn't be here, wasting his time on me like he had done before. I just wasn't worth it anymore. I wasn't sure I was ever worth it.

For once in Edward Cullen's life, he just wasn't fast enough. In seconds I was on the floor, my knees had buckled and I felt like I might lose my non-existant lunch. Everything was a tornado around me, creating a whirlwind of people, sounds, and pictures blurred together as if someone dumped a bucket of water on them, just to see what happened.

Nobody came to my rescue. Nobody living, that is. Everyone must've thought I was having another one of my fits, and it would blow over eventually. She'd get back up, they scoffed. Only I didn't. Only this was for real. Fear pumped adrenalin wildly throughout my body, matching the erratic beats of my heart thump by thump. Why couldn't I move? Why couldn't I make my body work? I felt like I was having a fucking seizure. His distraught, angelic face hovered in the center of vision, and I was lifted off the ground, right into his arms. _No.. No! _It wasn't supposed to happen like this. I didn't want him to take me away. My hands itched to lash out, to free myself from his embrace.

"I said **_no!_**"In a last, desperate attempt to break loose, I cried out, writhing within his arms. Put me down, I wanted to say. I didn't care if my eyes rolled into the back of my head and I puked my liver out, I just wanted release. No dice, sweets. Edward, in turn, tightened his grip to a barely breatheable squeeze.

"Hush. God, what have you done to yourself! I left because it was better for you, I had no idea you'd react so badly." I narrowed my eyes, grounding my teeth together. Fucking abuse. ABUSE! Unhand me, you villainous fiend! A familiar, rather annoying voice postponed my vain struggle. _Doesn't a part of you want this, Isabella? You've craved his touch for a long time now, dont deprave yourself any longer. _

"Oh, we are SO not having this conversation again." If I had finger-access, I'd probably shove them in my ears right about then. Edward fixed me with the strangest of looks. He had whisked us out of the school, and I was already strapped into his car. The driver's door was nearly ripped off, having been wrenched open with superman strength. Was he ever pissed. Edward's hand cupped my jaw, softly jerking it to observe my face, applying pressure to several distinct points in my forehead. He leaned in so close I could taste the sweet scent of his lips, all I had to do was just lean in and.. No. God, no. No, no, no, no, no. _Do it, Bella. You deserve him. _I dont. _You do. _

"I fucking **_dont!_**" My screams seemed to rock the car, causing Edward to lean back, startled.

"Bella, will you just-" Edward tried to say, but I kept screaming to try and stop the voice from continuing our little argument inside my head. He put his hand firmly over my mouth, to muffle the shrieks and stop them entirely. He sounded shocked that I had sweared. It would've amused me momentarily had the ringing in my ears been less severe.

"Mmf.. Ephhard whlphf you lephhee GU?!" Translation: Edward will you let me GO?! Responce: No. Of course he wouldn't. Here I was, screeching like a banshee as if actually fighting with someone, when it truth, I was raging war on myself. Whoever invented the phrase 'Never leave a man behind' should get shot. Bella was left behind. And look at me, the wreck who took her place. I look back at who I once was with regret. Regret that I just wasn't.. I dont know. I didn't know who I was anymore.

"Bella, stop this nonsense! Theres nobody here but you and me, who are you screaming at?" We were already halfway to his house, but I couldn't tell. I was too busy writhing between the lock of the seatbelt and the seat, crying and trying to make him remove his hand from my mouth. _Calm down. _My lips, still barricaded behind his icy skin, closed. I breathed. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale. _Thats it.. Calm. Enjoy the silence while you still can._ Silence? What silence? All I could hear was the loud pounding noise in my ears, just as deafening as this morning. _You're imagining the pounding, you're alright. Just breathe. I have a plan. Edward will take you back to his house, we'll leave from there. _But I didn't want to go back to his house. My face must've been scrunched up with concentration, because Edward was looking at me as if I was retarded. He probably thought it a look of concern for the fact that I was talking to myself, only I wasn't, but he didn't know that, but I still took it like I was something entirely different from the person he once knew. God, why couldn't he had just changed me and be done with it?

"Bella.. Shut your eyes. Rest. We're nearly there." Although my body was shaking, and Edward's attempt to cool me down by turning up the air conditioning in the Volvo, I still felt flaming. I glanced down at my hands, their swift, jerky movements startling me. I hoped I wouldn't have another panic attack.. I could do without another one of those. Since Edward left me, I had had frequent visits from the.. Disease, as I have come to call it. I have no idea if panic attacks are diseases, I didn't bother looking it up. Like Charlie would let me access my email after crashing my truck. My truck.. Why had I crashed it again? The roads were slick, thats it. They were really icy. No, slick as in wet from the rain, its not winter yet. I didn't do it on purpose, I wouldn't. ..Would I?

Engrossed in thought, distracted by the vicious shaking of my body, I didn't feel myself being lifted from the seat, out into the open. It was cold, and what I unwillingly pressed myself to was even more chilled. I was out of breath, but before I knew it, Edward had dashed me into the house, bundled me up in blankets, and rested me on the couch in his room. He even found the time to pop my lullaby into his expensive stereo system. Did he honestly want me to throw up? I doubted I could deal with this pain without that music bringing even more painful memories back. Shut it off, shut, it, off. Thank the lord for Carlisle's entrance.

"Edward, do shut off the music, please." Carlisle shot a sympathetic glance in my direction. I would've stuck my tongue out, providing my teeth didn't feel like they were wired shut. He left me like everyone else. Once I could walk, I was out of there. I could almost feel Edward's approaching protest, but his father must've appeared very serious, and my ears were rewarded with silence. Thank you, Carlisle. My forehead was on fire, the scorching heat dulled by a cool washcloth. Thank you again, Carlisle. He was tutting around me now, forcing me to swallow a few pills, and instructing Edward to fetch more cool cloths. And that was all I remembered before my vision went fuzzy, and I collapsed, yet again.

**Six hours later.**

My eyes opened to a dark room, my body jolted up and fell back down, the room and my head spinning. Every morning, I rose like this, and fell, wakening as if there was something important about to happen, something I was missing. And speaking of had happened, if you could call it that. Edward had returned. Something warm and fuzzy, unwelcome emotion, perhaps? tugged at the walls I had erected around my heart. Jasper up to his old tricks, no doubt, trying to reduce the pressure in my head. Tough luck, sweets.

A grumble pushed out of my lips. It took precious time waiting for my eyes to adjust to the darkness, valuable time that I could be using to escape. The moment I could make out shapes in the black, I was out of bed, steadying myself, or was it assuring myself? that I wouldn't be caught. They would leave me alone. The Cullen's would let me leave. Right? _Right?_ Fuck no. Here I was, wasting more time, such a precious thing so effortlessly wasted. I hadn't the minutes getting in the zone, it was time to get the hell out of there. Each unsocked toe inched nervously forward, descending across the cool wooden floor towards what I assumed to be the exit. It had to have been the door, what little light available had dull-ly reflected off a brass knob. Long, cool fingers wrapped around the handle, twisting it with such slowness I must've thought someone was going to jump out at me. Or the knob was going to light fire and burn my hand off. When did I get this paranoid, I ask you? Psh, I already know the answer. I couldn't wait any longer.

Throwing open the door, such light that answered blasted me so forcefully I fell back on my ass. The shadow of a man stepped in between me and the burning rays, a slight relief from its startling effect. I hissed, shrinking away from both, standing cautiously. Advancing step by step. Who greeted me, I ask you? Edward did. His face was so painfully beautiful, pale, longing, soft as it was. But I could not bring myself to look at it just yet. My gaze fell to the floor.

"Bella.." Edward's fearful voice began, shaking somewhat. Funny, funny as in ha-ha AND strange, I never figured it could do that. My legs found the courage to bring me forwards, towards the door. He would not stop me.

"Edward, let me go." I glared, appearing as final and firm as possible. So close I could've embraced him, I finally locked eyes with my betrayer. He looked so regretful now. Damn right. Edward's unbreakable grip fastened gentle, but tight, around my arms. Holding my body to his. When suddenly a new voice broke the air.

"Edward, let her go." Pretty little Alice was standing in the room, breathtakingly beautiful. Her skin shimmered like diamonds, just as Edward did that time in that place, so pretty, so deadly.. The vampire tightened his grip around my arms, which had thoroughly bruised. Not to mentioned paled to a point now that I might've been mistaken for a gorgeously beautiful vampire myself. Edward's eyes were incredulous as they glared at her, stunned.

"I cant do that, Alice." Edward's teeth ground together, muttering the very words I cursed under my breath. He shook me slightly, but I was frozen in the spot. His sister was going to get him to let me go?

"Edward." Alice began, growling right back, "I had a vision. You have to let. Her. Go." Firm, and final, her stern voice rang clear. She crossed her arms, mentioning to his white knuckles that were still wrapped around my shoulders. Slowly and reluctantly, he removed myself from his unbreakable grip, stepping back with sorrowful eyes. The last thing I remember doing before racing out the door was smiling at Alice. Sweet, peaceful Alice. Convincing Alice. Wonderful Alice. How high I thought of her, now that she helped me get what I wanted. Freedom. I should be so over Edward, but still, that little demon inside of me just couldn't let him go. The texture of his skin.. The scent of his breath. Oh god, I nearly hyperventilated right there, the sharp intakes of breath, how everything was spinning.. I couldn't breath, barely managing to gasp air into my system. Stumbling, my butt hit the grass, soggy and wet seeing as it was still raining.

I was having what I now know as a panic attack. My heart beats really fast, and it feels like I cant breathe. Everything seems to spin around..

I was alone sitting with my head between my knees, trying to figure out what was happening to me. Edward was back, Alice made him let me go, it was cold out. So confusing, so excrutiating..

**Nightfall.**

Startled by the loud, catlike footsteps that echoed across the pavement nearby, I raised my eyes, scanning around feverishly while still trying to breathe right. It was better now, it didn't hurt when I inhaled, so that was good. What stared straight back terrified me completely. Victoria and her frizzy red hair, and her bloody eyes, stared straight back. But instead of regarding me with disgust, she offered her hand to me, sympathy and something else glinting in those crimson eyes..

"My dear.." Victoria cooed, brushing a damp leaf off my shoulder, patting my cheek. "Do you want him to pay? Want Edward to taste your fury?" The question would've pierced my heart, had it pumped as wildly as it used to when but his name was mentioned. But it didn't. Without even realising how dangerous a situation I was in, I nodded, slowly but steadily, so sure I wanted him to die a thousand firey depths. I would make his life a living hell. Well suit up, fireman. Its going to get hot.

And then she bit me.


	5. Fire

**Ch.4 Fire**

The moment she removed her fangs from my skin, I was on the ground, writhing in agony. I cracked my fingers, clawing at the air, ripping up grass and flinging it away, desperately trying to find something strong enough to grip. Oh god, the pain.. The pain.. It was mind shattering, the intensity of it electrified me, jolted me, beat me up so hard I could barely breathe. I was burning, lost amid the flames of my own downfall, a train wreck cascading down a rugged mountainside. I wasn't expecting it, to say the least. Victoria was kind enough, or so bent on revenge, to drag me into some sort of shed. Apparently muffled, or possibly soundproof, I could tell. It would have to be, I had the voice of a banshee.

"It hurts! Oh god, it _burns!" _I shrieked, pounding my fists against the inside of the shed, throwing myself against my cage's walls, hissing and screaming until my lungs hurt. But the soreness of my organs didn't let me stop. I kept going, crying out, sobbing and wishing I could just jump in a lake. But knowing my luck, the water would ignite the moment I fell in.

A stray cat, trapped inside the small building and as frightened as I was, lashed at me, scoring deep into my right arm with its three claws. The slash marks in my skin aside, they remained unnoticed, lost in the moans and writhes of my burning body.

Seconds of torture became minutes. Minutes became hours. Hours become days, and days tolled four. One more evening, just for me. Why? I had no idea. Believe me, you cant form a coherant thought when in a state like this. My blood boiled, my eyes became bloodshot, red and crimson. My teeth sharpened, my saliva venomized. My body hardened, crystalizing. I was the same, but different in oh so many ways. Black hair feathered down my shoulders, straight and lustrous, like a raven's wing. The claw marks were still there, forever imprinted upon my beautiful flesh.

Now I was ready to bring on the pain.


	6. Another Author's Note

**Yet Another Author's Note**

Thanks so much for all your support. I try to add as much detail as possible to my chapters, and even though there arent many of them, I guarentee more in the near future. Im a grade nine student, and the past few weeks have been hectic. Chock full of midterms, essays, and homework. I apologize for not finding the time to write more, but Im sure you guys understand why I haven't been able to write anything.

I have the ideas for two more chapters, and what happens is going to surprise you all. At least I hope it will.

But keep reviewing, reading, and checking back for more chapters! Thanks guys. :3

- Kait


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